Tag: Dark

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Eating from a Bitter Spoon

Reading Time: 3 minutes

“And now my life seeps away. Depression haunts my days. At night my bones are filled with pain, which gnaws at me relentlessly. With a strong hand, God grabs my shirt. He grips me by the collar of my coat. He has thrown me into the mud. I’m nothing more than dust and ashes.” Job‬ ‭30‬:‭16‬-‭19‬ ‭NLT‬‬

In chapter 30, Job is not only at his wits end, he is at the finality of his situation and sees no light at the end of the tunnel, no end to his suffering. He now clearly believed that God was THE ONE who grabbed his shirt, chokingly twisting it and had thrown him to the ground. Sleep evades him at night and the hope of sunlight bearing better news turns into a nightmare of a haunting depression every day! He is utterly exhausted and has shooting pains in soul and body. He wonders where God is, fearing that God wants noting to do with him. God seems silent and evasive.

Job even continues to review his role in being judged and disciplined, although he could not perceive that he had done no wrong – it was all a test of will, of faith of grit and determination. The chapter begins with Job being humiliated by those with far less social or financial standing. Young men with so little maturity, they couldn’t even keep up with his own wrangling sheepdogs! Old men, past their prime, with no vigor to even help themselves. Job knows who they are and what they experienced in life: They are gaunt from poverty and hunger, they are driven from human society, nameless fools, and outcasts. These are the people now mocking him, deliberately and delightfully kicking him while he is down.

Yet, even though Job is innocent, he still had to reckon with his own actions towards those believed to be punished by God. In Job’s own words, he believes he saw their struggles and treated them fairly. “Surely no one would turn against the needy when they cry for help in their trouble. Did I not weep for those in trouble? Was I not deeply grieved for the needy?” Not to point out the obvious, but did he? Did he turn against the needy? Did he grieve?

If so, then how was he humiliated by their response to his own world falling apart? I am not saying God judged him for his attitude toward the outcast, but it seems obvious that he was oblivious until HE BECAME ONE.

Oh, how careful we must be when we cast assumptions and judgments on the poor, on the fringe who suffer bitterly throughout life. Some may say, “except for the grace of God, there go I.” Job experienced the low-end life IN and WITH God’s grace. I’m sure it changed him. I’m sure it adjusted his views on the haves and the have nots. Job 30 is a lesson on living life among the have nots! Instead of feasting with a silver spoon, Job learned to eat with a bitter spoon.

Prayer

​Dad,
In many ways I lived the life of misery, not by a lack of food or shelter, but of safety, love and peace. I understand family chaos, generational addictions and any sense of normalcy as a child living with a fractured blended family that reeked of alcoholism and violence. But, even then, I look back and see your hand of grace; watching, shielding, even resiliently building faith in me. I am thankful that I may have started as one of those outcasts, but I did not remain as one. My heart and life is now dedicated to brokering hope to the hopeless. It’s all because of You.

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Aware of who we are.

Reading Time: 3 minutes

Lord, remind me how brief my time on earth will be. Remind me that my days are numbered— how fleeting my life is. You have made my life no longer than the width of my hand. My entire lifetime is just a moment to you; at best, each of us is but a breath. ‭‭Psalms‬ ‭39‬:‭4‬-‭5‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Psalm 39 is a gritty, honest look at ourselves. It is a prayer of David expressing his awareness of his sin, mortality, and God’s judgment. It may seem negative and strange to focus on these dark, moody expressions of life itself. David so poetically writes about our existence as we pass through our time here on earth. ”We are merely moving shadows, and all our busy rushing ends in nothing. We heap up wealth, not knowing who will spend it. And so, Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you.” Wow, merely moving shadows? So deep. And, “Listen to my cries for help! Don’t ignore my tears. For I am your guest— a traveler passing through, as my ancestors were before me.”

It is these kinds of Psalms that helped me process a lot of angsty emotions as a young believer. David’s own words allowed me to learn to be completely open and honest before God in my prayers. So often deep, dark or even disturbing thoughts are considered to be wrong or inappropriate to even have, let alone talk about. David’s words do take us through some “Radical Candor” moments, but what would be the point of hiding or denying circumstances and feelings denying to process the full range of emotions in this life.

Some moments are so high that David seems to explode in praise to God – not here in 39 of course! Others, like this Psalm wind down to the depths, even focusing on how short our lives seem to be, “Each of us is but a breath.” BTW, this Psalm was inserted at the end of David’s life. It seems to reflect the perspective of someone who has lived long enough to realize how slow time moves when you’re young and how quickly the sand moves through the hourglass of life as we age. Time, perspectives and even emotions are so different moving through life. When young, time moves slow and emotions are raw and extreme. When old, time often slips trying to get traction of what happened today, yesterday or even this month! And our emotions seem to get foggy as we age, a little dulled and definitely delayed. “Wasn’t I just angry at God?” “What about? I do not know.” “I shall just forget about it and move on!” “Was I happy yesterday?” I seem to remember a few captivating moments, “I may have been!”

I can imagine David looking back over his life as he stretches out his much older, much wrinkled hand. He stares at it, remembering how it gripped the sling or sword back in the day. As he draws a line across his hand in his own mind, he writes, “yeah, that’s about the length of my life.”

Prayer

​Dad,
Being human is such an interesting mystery, even a dilemma. Mix in a high level of inventive autonomy along with a broken sense of morality and purpose and we are a glorious MESS. We are basically an emotional swamp filled with beauty and bewilderment all swimming around together. It truly means we depend on you to sort us out and suss out the helpful emotions from the destructive ones. I’m not complaining, I think it’s amazing when I realize the scope of high highs down to the lowest of lows. Having emotions and safely being able to share them with you feels like it’s the only route to sanity. Thank you for knowing and loving the real me! Amen.