Tag: Fierce Conversations

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Ancient radical candor.

Reading Time: 3 minutes 
“An open rebuke is better than hidden love! Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy.”
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭27‬:‭5‬-‭6‬ ‭NLT‬‬

This is principled wisdom that is supposed to help, not hurt. Yet, this rarely goes as planned. In my experience, both in being rebuked and wounded as well as being the rebuked and wound-er, it’s not as easy or smooth as it sounds.

This idea of fierce conversations (Susan Scott) or radical candor (Kim Scott) has been buzzing around business leadership conversations for 20 years. Both authors, which are not related, swear it’s not “front stabbing.” Why is it that business, can handle hard talk better? Is it because of money or paid personnel? Shouldn’t Christ followers be better at this?

The wisdom writers in teaching the young the ways of how the world really works (or should), tackled this eons ago. The Hebrew word here for rebuke is tôwkêchâh. It means to bring correction by reasoning, to lead to the truth. It’s an open argument verses some kind of backstabbing, behind-ones-back, relational triangulation to convince someone of a glaring blindspot. Relational triangulation is when we are too weak and afraid to have a one-on-one with a person, so we pull in another “friend” hoping that the person I am concerned about will eventually hear feedback through someone more brave than myself. It’s just gossip, disguised as love. Although there are courses and books about self awareness, we are rarely good at.

Proverbs says this open, corrective conversation is BETTER than hidden or concealed love. You know, like that crush you had in the third grade and everyone knew about it, but you didn’t have the guts to come out and admit it! It sounds like Proverbs is trying to get some things out in the open rather than socially or Minnesota-nicely trying to pretend it doesn’t exist. Then the wisdom writers compare and contrast this whole radical openness to wounds and kisses… well that’s just painful. Has a friend every accidentally poked you in the eye? Pushed you out of a tree? Tripped you in public? Oh, it hurts terribly. Seething anger swells up and you just want to punch your friend in the face. Ah, but then it’s over and you laugh about at the next 10 year reunion. Has an enemy ever hugged you or Judas-kissed you on the cheek and made your body shiver and blood run cold? Yep, you never forget that moment and certainly don’t laugh about it later. The proverb actually uses the phrase, deceitful kisses. Many modern translations just use the word “multiple.” Friends who truly love eventually find a way to tell you the truth.

When love has been proven, tested and verified, this is the only kind of friend you WANT to speak into your life. You give and get that kind of permission with those rare and cherished friendships. Maybe you don’t have those kinds of friends. Or maybe you don’t even have that ONE kind of friend. You need to. And, for those you really love, you also need to be that kind of friend. Proverbs is right, both correction and cuts are BETTER from a true friend.

Prayer

Dad,
It seems to me that the Holy Spirit has always been fierce and radical in corrections – at least with me. Oh, it’s always been gentle, but it was also quick and truthful. I would think this would be so good and healthy to have these open conversations with one another, in the body of Christ, the family of God. But I am so often defensive and reactive to this kind of feedback. You know I’ve been on the receiving end of it from friends and mentors. And, as expected, I pouted and complained about it for days or weeks. I can blame my childhood and lack of good discipline or boundaries growing up, but none of that is helpful as an adult. I need to receive and believe these rebukes especially from those I trust and know they have my best in mind. Thank you for continuing to help me grow and mature to a point that I can see and embrace these fierce moments. Amen.

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Radical honesty and fierce conversations.

Reading Time: 3 minutes 
“In the end, people appreciate honest criticism far more than flattery.” Proverbs‬ ‭28:23‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Nope, not true today. ESV says, “Whoever rebukes a man will afterward find more favor than he who flatters with his tongue.” I know this is in the Bible, and it’s in the “wisdom” genre of the scriptures, but I have not found this to be true.

Oh, I have friends that have openly, honestly and even lovingly corrected me – I HATED it. I stewed and spewed for days, maybe months afterwards. Yet, after stubbornly accommodating their advise, only to try to prove them wrong mind you, I found their critique to be true.

I had a dear friend, some 15 years older than me, tell me two things that really bothered me. He said, “you stand with your feet too close together! Open up your stance, be more relaxed.” And, “You don’t smile enough. You have a great smile, but never lead with it.” I was AGHAST! How dare he. How personal. What does he know? All these flash thoughts about what he said kept cycling incessantly in my mind. So, I tried making the changes. Yeah, it was awkward at first. How often do you think about your feet or face and how they are “correctly” positioned – like, never for me.

I worked on the thinking “smiley” thoughts and purposely, methodically forced a smile before walking into a room or when meeting new people. One time, this radically honest friend of mine and I were meeting with a wealthy, well-connected client of ours and I had made some progress towards the feet-n-face area. When we walked in and met this person’s assistant I kept my feet more relaxed and tried out my not-to-forced smile. After meeting with our client and saying are goodbyes the assistant we greeted when coming in decided to spontaneously give me a compliment, “You have a great smile,” they said, “it made me smile today as well.”

I thought for sure that my friend had put them up to it and gave him a bad time the whole drive back to the office. He said, “I had nothing to do with it!” And, since he was right there when the compliment was made he simply said, “I told you.”

I have tried so hard to replicate that honest but sometimes personal feedback with friends that I really care about. I see these “blind spot” qualities that they either can’t or don’t want to see and after building some trust, I give them a little helpful feedback. Wow, you’d think I split on their mother’s grave. Almost 100% of the time, it doesn’t go well. And, most of them continue to reverse the whole thing to get me back by mockingly repeat what I said to them. BTW, it always sounds worse when it comes back through their perspective!

So, what am I supposed to do – stop? I hold it in for so long, often thinking, “if you just listen and see what others see,” they’ll find that someone (at least me and their life-mate) are trying to help them! At one point, our entire office tried to work this in as a cultural process – radical honesty. Yeah, you guessed it, miserable fail. It just became this mean-fest and looked like we’d be heading towards HR lawsuits.

What do you think? Is this verse true? Have you tried it? Or, have you been on the receiving end of this? Did it go well or not?

Prayer

Dad,
I’m getting the hint that folks don’t want this Proverb in their life. I get it. It hurt at first when I experienced it too. But, after leaning into the process, I realized I can’t see my own shortcomings – even when they are not healthy or detrimental to my growth and maturity. Should I just stop trying to be that loving friend and practicing these fierce conversations? Any help would be appreciated.