“In the end, people appreciate honest criticism far more than flattery.” Proverbs 28:23 NLT
Nope, not true today. ESV says, “Whoever rebukes a man will afterward find more favor than he who flatters with his tongue.” I know this is in the Bible, and it’s in the “wisdom” genre of the scriptures, but I have not found this to be true.
Oh, I have friends that have openly, honestly and even lovingly corrected me – I HATED it. I stewed and spewed for days, maybe months afterwards. Yet, after stubbornly accommodating their advise, only to try to prove them wrong mind you, I found their critique to be true.
I had a dear friend, some 15 years older than me, tell me two things that really bothered me. He said, “you stand with your feet too close together! Open up your stance, be more relaxed.” And, “You don’t smile enough. You have a great smile, but never lead with it.” I was AGHAST! How dare he. How personal. What does he know? All these flash thoughts about what he said kept cycling incessantly in my mind. So, I tried making the changes. Yeah, it was awkward at first. How often do you think about your feet or face and how they are “correctly” positioned – like, never for me.
I worked on the thinking “smiley” thoughts and purposely, methodically forced a smile before walking into a room or when meeting new people. One time, this radically honest friend of mine and I were meeting with a wealthy, well-connected client of ours and I had made some progress towards the feet-n-face area. When we walked in and met this person’s assistant I kept my feet more relaxed and tried out my not-to-forced smile. After meeting with our client and saying are goodbyes the assistant we greeted when coming in decided to spontaneously give me a compliment, “You have a great smile,” they said, “it made me smile today as well.”
I thought for sure that my friend had put them up to it and gave him a bad time the whole drive back to the office. He said, “I had nothing to do with it!” And, since he was right there when the compliment was made he simply said, “I told you.”
I have tried so hard to replicate that honest but sometimes personal feedback with friends that I really care about. I see these “blind spot” qualities that they either can’t or don’t want to see and after building some trust, I give them a little helpful feedback. Wow, you’d think I split on their mother’s grave. Almost 100% of the time, it doesn’t go well. And, most of them continue to reverse the whole thing to get me back by mockingly repeat what I said to them. BTW, it always sounds worse when it comes back through their perspective!
So, what am I supposed to do – stop? I hold it in for so long, often thinking, “if you just listen and see what others see,” they’ll find that someone (at least me and their life-mate) are trying to help them! At one point, our entire office tried to work this in as a cultural process – radical honesty. Yeah, you guessed it, miserable fail. It just became this mean-fest and looked like we’d be heading towards HR lawsuits.
What do you think? Is this verse true? Have you tried it? Or, have you been on the receiving end of this? Did it go well or not?
Prayer
Dad,
I’m getting the hint that folks don’t want this Proverb in their life. I get it. It hurt at first when I experienced it too. But, after leaning into the process, I realized I can’t see my own shortcomings – even when they are not healthy or detrimental to my growth and maturity. Should I just stop trying to be that loving friend and practicing these fierce conversations? Any help would be appreciated.