Tag: Marriage

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Is marriage a distraction dilemma?

Reading Time: 4 minutes

”I want you to be free from the concerns of this life. An unmarried man can spend his time doing the Lord’s work and thinking how to please him. But a married man has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to please his wife. His interests are divided. In the same way, a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be devoted to the Lord and holy in body and in spirit. But a married woman has to think about her earthly responsibilities and how to please her husband. I am saying this for your benefit, not to place restrictions on you. I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best, with as few distractions as possible.“ ‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭7‬:‭32‬-‭35‬ ‭NLT‬‬

The Apostle Paul was never afraid of weighing in on hot topics or super controversial conversations. Pity the fool who thought, or thinks they can take on Paul and win a philosophical, theoretical or theological argument!

Paul was a fierce thinker, a natural debater. That’s just one of the reasons God chose him to take on the rigorous religious paradigms of his day. Remember, God didn’t try to argue with Paul to win his heart, He simply floodlit him on the way to being judge and executioner of innocent believers. The voice from heaven broadcast, “Why are you persecuting me?” Paul didn’t even know who was talking, saying “who are you?” Jesus replied, then blinded Paul for three days so he could see a little more clearly.

Here, in Corinthians, Paul lays out a ton of solid Biblical instruction, but also gives some of his own wisdom, as he writes – this time on marriage! Paul is honest and clear about this point. He writes about young women desiring to be married and says he does NOT have a command from God for them. He adds a critical, contextual phrase that helps us understand the situation Paul is addressing, “because of the present crisis,” they should remain single.

Paul uses the word, anagké, which is a word for constraint, or better yet, a compression. We know the cultural pressures of that time was severe. Persecution was at its highest and the demented Roman authorities were using the torture of family members to coerce confessions out of believers, getting them to deny Christ. Google “Blandina,” and you’ll see what Paul was writing about. Also, because of the great persecution, Paul absolutely believed the parousia, the snatching, the 2nd coming of Christ was near! So in his mind, the priority wasn’t on getting married, having kids and owning a home – it was on spreading the gospel, the good news, because the end was near. This was the time of soul-harvest, not settling down, in Paul’s thinking.

So, definitely content, culture and context play a huge part in Paul’s seemingly anti-marriage message. But Paul is not anti-marriage! He is anti-distractions. If you read all of the book of Acts, then all of the letters Paul wrote to the churches, you’ll find that Paul lived on MISSION! He was driven to do what God called him and gifted him to do. There was winning people to Jesus, there was church planting and there was mentoring young men and women to the high calling of being a pastor. Paul had zero time for dating. Who would want to be married to a man that was so passionate about mission that he traveled constantly and started riots in many cities where he preached. What kind of married life, father image would that be?

Cutting through all the cultural context, there is still a question that must be answered, “Is marriage a distraction dilemma?” The answer, is yes! It CAN be, but it should not be. Paul nails it when he uses these two words, “think” and “please.” Marriage and family take up a tremendous amount of thinking and pleasing when it comes to our wife, husband and/or children – doesn’t it? Paul seems to be focused on something far deeper than the word “distraction,” because he uses these two much more serious greek words: think: merimnaó: to be anxious for and please: aréskō – properly satisfy. My take is that when a distraction becomes an obsession over and away from God working in my life then I have taken it too far!

Dr. Henry Cloud just came out with a great article on what he calls, “Focused Attention.” But it was what he wrote about distractions that got my attention. He wrote, “Today a countless amount of distractions will fight for your attention. They will come in the form of urgent and even good, but their subtle ability to pull you away from your main priorities prove that they can be the silent thief of success.”

Back to the distraction dilemma… my point is this. Husband, wife or kids should not be the number one priority in a believer’s life and rhythms! Wives, you will be at your best if Jesus is #1 and the benefactors will be your husband and kids. Husbands, guaranteed, if Jesus is #1, He will lead, guide and mature you as a man! Your wife and kids will absolutely benefit because of that proper priority. Single? Make Jesus #1! Not career, travel, hobbies or financial independence.

Paul’s point is true and throws no shade on marriage at all – do whatever will help you serve the Lord best, with as few distractions as possible! Without anything (aperispastós) drawing you away. Anything could become a distraction dilemma for our relationship with Jesus, it’s our job not to let that happen.

Prayer

Dad,
It’s a no brainer to figure out that bad things can and do draw me away from you. My own desires and evils are fairly easy to see. It becomes much more subtle to see that good things cause me to drift from you as the priority in my life. Busyness masquerades as doing good, then I just feel too exhausted to spend quality time with you, praying and reading Your Word. I just don’t have time, I say, as I shuffle off to one more crisis, one more new idea, one more good deed for others. I may not be the most focused person, but I can tend to what’s most important- and that is You. Thank you for being patient when I lose track of priorities. And, thank you for gently calling back to that place of quiet with you.

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Adversarial distress much?

Reading Time: 2 minutes

”God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble. So we will not fear when earthquakes come and the mountains crumble into the sea. Let the oceans roar and foam. Let the mountains tremble as the waters surge! Interlude“ ‭‭Psalms‬ ‭46‬:‭1‬-‭3‬ ‭NLT‬‬

The Blue Letter Bible says that this Psalm was written after Jehoshaphat wins a battle in 2 Chronicles 20. However, this Psalm begins with an ominous reminder for all of us over the span of history here on the earth. We are not the only ones groaning in anticipation of finality!

The Apostle Paul wasn’t a scientist nor a meteorologist, but he knew the signs of the times when he wrote, “For we know that all creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time.” Romans 8:22. It is interesting that adversarial distress or “trouble,” as the Hebrew word, “tsarah,” suggests, comes from more than just the evil and brokenness of our human relationships. When we sinned, past tense, as in the first couple; when we still sin today, several relationships are damaged and continue in a fractured state.

Our relationship with God was broken, our relationship to other humans was broken, and our relationship with the earth itself was broken. Anyone that has spent even a few years with their marriage mate, family or close friends should immediately realize – relationships are TOUGH. Love is a choice, but it’s also a battle of wills, expectations and constant forgiveness! God gave us the job of tending to the earth itself, but she’s not always a happy camper, right?

Flip on the news and watch the global devastation of volcanoes, earthquakes, floods, fires and funnel clouds. Our own San Diego, California was just shockingly overwhelmed with this random rainstorm and flooded! The psalmist reminds us, even when we battle to regain the beauty of the eden moments, the earth is a wild, untamed beast!

But we should not fear, God is still our refuge and strength. God is willing and able to help us even in these tribulative times of trouble. Even in the chaos of fractured moments with God, each other and the angry earth, God is here among us! God is for us, not against us. God moves towards us, not away from us. God leans in when we recognize our brokenness and humble ourselves before Him. In that holy space of prayer, confession, praise and thanks – God is near and we should not fear. Let the mountains crumble, let the ground tremble, let the waters surge- God is at work redeeming and restoring us and all of creation to himself!

Prayer

Dad,
We are certainly surrounded by stories of human devastation as well as local and global disasters. We sense the tension in our relationships with each other and this beautiful planet we were commanded to care for. We ache and groan for the completion, the finality of Your Kingdom coming and setting all things right. Our relationship with you, each other and the earth. The work, the ransom price for our sin has been paid, so now we wait. Maranatha – Come quickly Lord Jesus. Amen.

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Plowing different paths.

Reading Time: 3 minutes

“Don’t team up with those who are unbelievers. How can righteousness be a partner with wickedness? How can light live with darkness? What harmony can there be between Christ and the devil? How can a believer be a partner with an unbeliever? And what union can there be between God’s temple and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God said: “I will live in them and walk among them. I will be their God, and they will be my people.” ‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭6‬:‭14‬-‭16‬ ‭NLT‬‬

The Apostle Paul strongly, boldly tells the Corinthian believers not to be love entangled with non-believers because they would be trying to pull the “one” life in two different directions. I heard this phrase often as a young believer myself, “no missionary dating.” The idea was that casually dating someone who is outright opposed to Christ would lead to “falling in love,” and not being able to call it off when it got more serious.

Falling in love is serious and once emotions kick in and bonding takes place it becomes difficult to see the dangers of becoming one with an unbeliever. I’ve seen all kinds of relationships end in tragedy when a believer wants to lovingly lead their “friend” into a decision for Christ by marrying them. Isn’t it already a struggle to get this truth through our heads, “we cannot change another person’s heart.” One of the big challenges is thinking someone can fix a guy or gal by marriage! So many believe that love will win over an addiction or a character flaw or an unbelief in God. We don’t have that kind of power to change another person’s life! I’ve seen women date, fall in love and marry a non-believing man and the man never changes his heart towards God. I’ve seen the same with men hoping for the best in a woman. Of course, there have been miracles in the relationship, but it’s rare. Each person just thinks following Jesus or not following Jesus is some kind of phase or fad and that it will eventually change. Faith isn’t a fad. These are really dangerous situations for both individuals. Both thinking they can fix or change the other!

This phrase Paul uses, “unequally yoked,” is only found here in Corinthians. Bible commentaries tell us Paul is referring to a little known verse out of Leviticus 19:19 where God warns the Jewish farmers not to try to use two completely different animals to pull the field-plow. Leviticus uses the word, “mate” as in don’t crossbreed your livestock, but it was also commonly used to refer to “hitching up to the same yoke” when plowing a field together. So not only does God forbid trying to force an ox to mate with a donkey, but also don’t “yoke” them together either. A yoke is a tool or device that pairs animals together making it easier on both but also keeping them focused on working together. The humor is the picture of a ox just plodding through the field while the donkey is bucking and kicking trying to get away from his field partner.

Paul’s words are more than just a “marriage” warning. How close is too close, how intimate is too intimate in a friendship? When friends begin to share deeper experiences with each other the bond of love increases substantially. And, I’m not talking about a physical/sexual relationship, I am talking about a merging of values, hopes and dreams. Paul’s warning is that any relationship that pulls us away from or cools our affections from Christ is dangerous and wrong. These deep friendships, not even marital unions, are red flags to avoid.

In Paul’s day, the church folk saw nothing wrong with doing temple one day and going with a friend to a “idol sacrifice” party the next day. These Greek parties were often far more than just huge barbecues with lots of music and dancing. They were full on ancient raves filled with alcohol, drugs, sexual orgies with “temple prostitutes” along with lots of fruits, veggies and animals being offered to greek demigods.

The warning to the church was… this has gone on too long and TOO FAR for a friend! Stop it. We become a version of the people we hangout with. At some point either in a dating relationship or deep friendships, there will be a moment we will have to make a decision – will it be Christ or someone else? God is jealous over us and our relationship with him. He certainly does not want to share us with the devil, the slander, the liar.

Prayer

Dad,
I do not plan on sharing my life or wearing a faith-yoke with anyone or anything that takes me away from you. Help us stay vigilant in these last days. Help us stay faithful and focused. Keep us, hold us in your grace. Amen.

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Is God a prude?

Reading Time: 3 minutes

“You have heard the law that says, ‘A man can divorce his wife by merely giving her a written notice of divorce.’ But I say that a man who divorces his wife, unless she has been unfaithful, causes her to commit adultery. And anyone who marries a divorced woman also commits adultery.” ‭‭Matthew‬ ‭5‬:‭31‬-‭32‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Only God would go where mortal men fear. This is Jesus, the revolutionary, speaking out on issues that were never spoken about in public. Jesus, being the light of the world, drags the deeds only done in darkness, only whispered behind closed doors, out into the open. No one exposes sin better than God. Is God a prude? Hardly.

He not only created us, but he also gave humans the free will to be and explore everything on the planet as well as everything about our own human body, soul and spirit. However, freedom doesn’t mean exploitation. Freedom doesn’t mean satisfying oneself at the expense and destruction of another. God is far more like a parent than he is catholic school teacher. He loves us.

Jesus dives into the most destructive side of our free will, exposing the dark and callous desires of our unbridled souls. Jesus just finished talking about adultery and put a hard stop on the issue of “thoughts verses physical deeds.” We all know that thoughts, good or bad, lead to behaviors. We do as we think about doing.

Here’s a thought Jesus pulled from our secret souls, “we don’t get to fantasize about destroying relationships by ‘having your way’ with whatever we set our eyes on!” Boom. That’s right. There are selfish sins against God and there’s a bunch of them against each other. The big TEN commandments were boundaries to PROTECT and preserve our relationship with God and one another. In fact four of the rules are about God, six are about each other.

These discussions in Matthew about relationship in sexual desire and covenant commitments in marriage are both about boundaries and behaviors. Yes, men were primarily called out and held responsible because, at that time, they were in power and the main offenders of these rules. God seriously and deeply cares about relationships, and Jesus highlights a couple of our major missteps in how we handle each other. No, a man or woman does not get to mentally strip, invade and exploit another human being just for fun! Neither do we get to make cheap promises.

Jesus goes after the frivolous way we treat our commitments, our covenants between a man and a woman. Moses wrote about a legal way to dissolve a marriage (Deut 24‬:‭1‬-‭2‬ ‭NLT‬‬), although we’ve got to keep in mind, God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16). He HATES everything that is destructive to our relationships! Come on, are we not smart enough to figure out the never ending cycles of pain, suffering and financial ruin of our lives that come with divorce? Have we not seen the massive, deep hurts we deposit into children’s lives by dismembering their most trusted bond between their parents? Do we not recognize an entire generation of fatherless children because our parents were so self absorbed to just do whatever they felt like doing? Why are we mad at God and blame him for being a prude when we are obviously so foolish and blind to our own destructive desires and behaviors?

I am not an expert on divorce by any means. However, I had to pick up the broken shards of fragile glass in my own soul. My family, my heritage is littered with divorce and remarriage! My own adopted mother, searching for true love, safety and belonging went shopping for a man FOUR times. With her last attempt at relationship, she just gave up on the covenant of marriage and allowed a live-in looser to suck her life and finances dry for over a decade! I believe that Jesus is not only speaking TRUTH, he is also saving us from the LIES we tell ourselves and others. Here’s the facts, adultery and divorce destroys relationships and are toxic and deadly to everyone involved.

Prayer

Dad,
Forgive us oh God for we know what we do and what harm it causes, but we want to do it anyways. Save our children from our selfish foolishness.

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HOPEBROKER

Reading Time: 3 minutes 
“If you want to be my disciple, you must, by comparison, hate everyone else—your father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even your own life. Otherwise, you cannot be my disciple. And if you do not carry your own cross and follow me, you cannot be my disciple.” Luke‬ ‭14:26-27‬ ‭NLT‬‬

​All or nothing.

Yes, this is the part of the gospel story that we don’t often talk about. A relationship with God is not only primary, it’s all consuming. It is an all or nothing situation! Jesus saying, “by comparison,” our love for God, our consuming desire to follow, obey and dedicate our entire life to him makes it look like we don’t give a rip about all the other family responsibilities, including: dad, mom, wife kids and siblings. I would guess even grandparents, but they are not mentioned 😬. There are other Bible references that discuss this. Like, “eat of my flesh, drink of my blood” verses. Or, “be hot or cold, but never lukewarm.”

This idea that we are in and committed or were not and it’s all just a religious show. That ought to get our attention, right?

And, Jesus goes on to tell this crowd that is following him, “Count the cost first.” Jesus tells two examples, “who builds a building, or goes to war,” without figuring out what it costs, what it takes to win? I remember arguing this point with friends, especially in giving high pressure “altar” calls or guilt drives to make decisions for Christ.

Should someone believe in Christ, YES. Should they make a decision to follow Christ, YES. Shouldn’t they also count the cost, YES as well.

When I said yes to Jesus I didn’t know enough to look forward and see what it would cost me to follow him, especially thinking it would cost my entire life! But, you need to understand, I came to Christ knowing my life to that point felt WORTHLESS. And, I had no ability to see anything in my future but a giant black wall. No dreams of a career, marriage, kids, or white picket fence. From my perspective, there was no future! I was a broke beggar, so there was only nothing or with God – everything.

Yet still, I knew what I was doing; what I was giving up as well as receiving. I was giving up my life in exchange for God becoming my Dad, the father I never had. At that point, I had only experienced two loser Dads, the third being “psychopath Ben,” would come later.

If anyone is going to pressure folks into making a decision, I want it to be God himself, pushing and wooing – pitching His love and abundant grace. Not the fire escape plan or promises of prosperity and the “good life.” A relationship with God isn’t a way to escape hell, it’s walking with Him for eternity. Jesus promised an abundant life but it’s only after completely giving and surrendering our own life.

Yes, I’m all in and wouldn’t have it any other way. For me it’s not hating the family relationships in comparison, it’s more like hating the American Dream that everyone else seems driven to still pursue. In comparison to loving Jesus, I decided to hate the high paying cushy job, the open-space, multiple bathroomed house, two pets, multiple marriages, 2.5 kids and some grandchildren! I only wanted God and whatever He had for me. It is ironic, no, pure-comedy, that God gave me a job Pastoring people, one-wife-for life, kids, grandkids and a couple of dogs in a house with three bathrooms and a pool in the backyard! Figured that one out.

Prayer

Dad,
Really. How did I end up with so much when I started with so little? I had nothing. I was nothing. I was invisible and liked it that way. Now….well, I am not invisible that’s for sure. And I annoy people by being too chatty, too friendly, too weird and tell way to many stories that no one wants to listen to! Oh, the humor of heaven has been poured out on me. I got old and have stuff. I never imagined that possibility. I had no dreams and no hope. You… you gave me all of that and more. I am a hope broker because I was broke and you gave me the greatest gift of all – hope.