“My life constantly hangs in the balance, but I will not stop obeying your instructions. The wicked have set their traps for me, but I will not turn from your commandments. Your laws are my treasure; they are my heart’s delight. I am determined to keep your decrees to the very end.” Psalms 119:109-112 NLT
There seems to be a tremendous side benefit to suffering, and I don’t like it one bit. A suffering heart is a tender heart and one that should draw near to God. You get this sense all through the Psalms when David and other writers lay out their troubles.
In his youth, David was constantly being pursued, hiding, running for his life. Yet, while he is in great anguish and notably the worst part of his existence- he was close to God. The most eloquent and beautiful words of deep love and commitment come out of him. And, not only are we, the readers, the benefactors, we also can develop a way of life similar.
The poignant question is, “Do we have to suffer to experience this closeness to God?” David’s dramatic phrases of his “life hanging in the balance” and the “wicked setting traps” for him are the life-season backdrop to his life as a younger man. But we all know what happens as David ages and gets all the luxuries and accoutrements of being a king! And, it’s in that season of his life, that commandments are broken and his heart’s determinations and affections are set on something else, someone with stunning beauty.
Which makes me ask another question, “Do we lose closeness to God when we are not suffering?” When there is no one is hunting us. There are no threats, no crushing circumstances of life. Do we delightfully determine God then? The seasons that we have much, or certainly more, are exactly the life stages that should be examined more closely!
Yet, I feel no desire whatsoever to put myself into states of suffering. Was this part of the reason monks and nuns would beat their own bodies (Self-flagellation) trying to force a physical, thus emotional suffering? They saw this a a spiritual discipline, calling it a “mortification of the flesh.” I see that as ridiculous. One thing about this Psalm is clear, David could never imagine a moment where he would “stop obeying” God’s instructions. Yet, we know he did. I would love to live a life that vigorously pursues God even as I age, even as I “get more” or have more.
Prayer
Dad,
Wow. It seems to me that we, as humans, are such a strange paradox. We are so simple in one sense, and deeply complicated in another. We’re simple in terms of our sin, our failures, like dogs returning to their vomit. We’re even predictable in that! In the other, we have and live with a duplicitous heart. One that longs, aches for a deep relationship with you. The other a horrible, unquenchable desire for our own will, our own way. When we’re young we are filled with vim and vigor. When we’re old we’re filled with memories and reflections. My desire is similar to David’s in his youth, to keep your decrees until death.